Thagiraku osthe....

Hearing 'thagirakku osthe' song from bommarillu....(recently hearing this song many times even if i cant understand most part of the lyric ;-) )
becoming lazy is one my best virtues... i cannot be doing a work constantly without any interruptions, one main reason for that is, i do many things at a time, i want to do all that i want to and think, that creates split in my concentration and makes me miss many of things, but i cant leave it, for ex, it is nearly more than 2 months since i clicked on ym camera but that i am compromising with my c510 cam, have taken some good pics, similarly i started working on my pursuit of learning photography as my profession and it is hanging somewhere in air, dont know when that will be done, now I have next plan to do in the side as my profession.... omg.... what the hell is running in my mind i have millions of thoughts running, many flying, many jetting... let me see...

hearing 'Pesuikiren' song from the movie dont know...
my c510 is singing for me... science improved....
It is a bandh hear, nearly noone is in my office except for very few in my team... so ly songs....

let me start off with what i want to say...

hearing Kadhal konden theme.....

First, happy birthday to Christ, so wish you all Happy Christmas,

then, Second, I have got to create a new blog, Will name it as ...hmmm... cinemasisaw......

Hearing, Pudhupettai drug selling theme....

then, I have lots of things to share.... one important thing is i have one super follower in my twitter, i dnt know y i became happy on seeing that name, I always get happy only for things where i am not welcomed.... or it is like whatever i like will  be not welcomed.... do i care, truly yes, but make my acceptance level go higher with each things and keep moving....


then, I have to see 3 idiots, avatar, paa and many more movies.... dont know when i will get time,

Hearing ' ithu porkalama' from 7/g rainbow colony.....

Then, these days i get one notion of y am being treated like this, is being soft and accepting everyone as they are wrong or inferior? y do people always make sure that one person is made the bakra? i have found one theory like whenever we talk with anyone just we cant talk anything, but to downgrasde some person, y is that? dont we have other work than dowgrade others?

hearing 'Hare ram Hare krishna' song from Bhool bhuliya.....

One more important thing, frustration level without a gal is going to heights, at times I luv being myself, but biology overtakes my pshycology with fuel added by the books, movies, tvs,ad, talks, all and everything that is around me. but i luv this state of frustration, feeling it to be good, finding how hard they have made this social system in such a way taht a normal urge cannot be solved or met...what a pity youths we are? can do something but nothing without making atleast one dissatisfied face... i hate that... when something is done with butter and jam over it even though the intentions are to hurt it is welcomed, but if u r giving the truth noone is ready to accept.... what society are we building? where are we heading to?

hearing 'maname nalama' song from autograph.....

ok i will loose my concentration if i keep writing here, so let me write atleast one or two cinemas I saw....

Konjam feelings....Konjam tellings....

This day is worth to be marked on this page as this is my first ever night shift at office. shit... sitting all alone amidst of comps even after knowing that i will have nothing useful except to read and blog, but still sitting coz of stupid managerial ideas. leave it....
At this time my mind is going bonkers....shit what the hell will be the net result of this blog...even i dnt kno at this point of time... it might be worth enough once i read it when am in complete form to understand it(!). today there is also my previous blog telling one sweet incident. i dnt kno y ppl never understand or y they understand in wrong senses or y am i talking in such a way that ppl get all their notions on  me. shit...that life isnt it? and will i give it up? u all know the answer noooooooooooooooooooooo...... cos thats me... cant give up just bcoz everything is going wrong... then what is the use of butterfly effect try...try ... try... try even after failure... might be failures are my victories...that is what am destined to, so let me do all that i want/have/wish/will do....
these days am reading a lot of political,public,sensitive news and stories. I am planning to create a separate blog to write my views on it as this one is becoming more of personal stuffs and i really dnt wish to mingle both, as they have many things which will surely be hurted with my blogs here, so i wud like to have it other way....
I also planned to finish all my draft blogs today, but was busy searching some books, so might be tomorrow i finish them which might fill the days passed away in between....
Things unfinished or left in the middle are always good, the last f***ed up relation also teached me the same....
i m luving it...not an add to mcdonalds but it is abt my life... shit happens and i dnt bother to cover it up instead keep moving on to find new ones.... shit... what shit am i talking...shitty nonsenses...;-)
what the hell am i scribbling here?
am roaming around the world siting in one chair, and searching for all that i need but in vain.omg....
I watched Hangover movie, good one...worth the watch...also i saw Subramaniyapuram yesterday, second time but the true impact wast there ly yesterday after watching it with good effects and clear print, the director has done a good job, art director mus be saluted, what pain to create 80's backdrop that too so tidely, the team deserves all the applause, i worry for not able to see it in theatre, will compromise that by getting one original dvd.
i gues enough for now, too much might cause me feeling of hangover... let me read tomorrow and laugh at this...;-)

The 'f' mail

Today am starting from where it was left. here is a f**k off mail which i got after just two chat sessions with my admired blogger. who cares, shit happens, this might also be a reason for me not being around here quite sometime, there other primary reasons like concentrating on other stuffs, trying to do someting which interests me and i luv, to make money. Trying for a different job altogether for living, lets see how things work, but before it, below are two mails first i got, second i sent,




why the hell shud i put this personal mail on a public forum?... define 'personal'? that is where i started and it went on till i was really convinced that am not doing anything stupid(might be for u.who cares, its my blog n i can put anything on it, right?)

Being in a blogger world and a world where 'Survival of Fittest' theory only works, I thought this would keep reminding me that i ask and talk too much which ends up with something like this.



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Recieved mail

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Hi

Why mail? I was waiting for the afternoon conversation to happen for sometime.I expected the first conversation itslef to go that way and I get to tell what I wanted to from day one........

I will tell u onething.......I have definitely been in blogger world from long and you don't see many of them commenting...., but I know quite a few people and once I remember I read this girls whole 4 yr life history on net, all her past.........was out there and present tooo....

I remeber how I sat day and night and read her......becasue she was someone who I was ,,,,or I almost was.....she is the one from whom I learnt so many things..how to be in blogger world and how not to hurt others and tresspass their privacy, especially to repsect who they are and one big lesson..Never conclude.......how much you have read abt that person, know that you have not known them....all this without even chatting with her.....it was not necesarry ., it really is not necessary....you better realize it...but she is someone hwom I immensly respect..and she had said something about ppl who read her blog regularly and never comment.its not taking cheap pleasure...its knwoing a friends life.and so many times I know I stood by her .just in thoughts...after I read what she wrote I felt no need to present myslef....nor I was a regular out there...just occasionally to check whether she is fine or her son is fine.........she was too bold and open out there and she was more forthwrit....like if she has seen your coment on first day.she would have told you..thanks...but please fuck off.........this not your case study mr freud.......:) I knew u r doing the samething and expected some people would turn their blog private.........

wats the problem........? you are very egoistic for the personal blog world...........

and very new too.......if you have written.......that I was diff....that day itslef you should have realized I will have no qualms in shattering somebodys else ego if they tresspass my ego.and I have a very strong ego.....to let yours win......

And why.....this mail.....I am just concerned....many other ppl like that other girl......may shut their blogs private..coz of ppl like you.may be if i was an active blogger I would have done the same.......

or if I had any concern left abt my past effecting ppl opinions......but don't trample down others territory....and if you show half this concern and time...towards one person around you..you will discover wonderful ppl in real life....you will know those gilrs were much better....before you ruled them off as.....just concerned about nail polishes...brainless........

Ha!!! I remeber showing door to so many ppl like you just bcoz they said I am more independent and diff than many women they knew........and hell......someone is so egoistic and prejuidiced to give that statement and I think they are great......!!!!well......I love to show them their way out........puncturing with their big fat egos......sorry I have no problem with you....I tend to show my ego when others flaunt theirs an dthink that they are the only people who possess it........!!!!!1

and finally thanks to that blogger who taught me how to be still human after managing to say when it is necesarry to say

FUCK OFF











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Reply mail

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This my reaction...lol....

srry...am not meaning to hurt ur ego which is stronger not to leave me win or anything for the biggest email i have ever recieved....but this was it...that is how i felt...to laugh...not at you but at me....

fine...now to the point...if you guess i have an ego and prejudiced to things, it is true but am trying to be not that and i guess i am bit successful in it...it might be with some failures, but am learning...there is a long way ahead to go and be egoless....so i am not here to win your ego, if that is wat u want then, here it is i.....surrender...fine....?

next, you could have told whatever you want at the first instance or when we spoke, instead of waiting, i wouldnt have minded, because after learning your blog fully , i know you hated tresspassers and people who dint respect your privacy, but to make a point here, I do respect your privacy and also the privacy of my brainless and bangle chasing girls, that is the reason why I had always told you can decide to or not to ans or reply to my q's.

dint I tell you in the begining that i am best at pulling the wrong string at exactly at the worst situation? here is one more example...;-) it is happnd throughout my life...and you know what still am learning about it....

and about the last conversation, i was not there to make judgements on you or pass comments on you, but i was trying to find out the reason it is my inquistivness to know y, y ppl take choices like this, might be i have not had that view or never felt the way you felt or things you have seen and i know i might not be able to also, so it is just to know, moreover i did respect you as the friend you have mentioned and never wanted to be the out n out guy u have concluded me to be now....I was giving my views as you did...nothing personal it was just general view i had....

conclusion...the word...never conclude....the words you have written in the email below, so what have you done about me? you have concluded....that am one person with the big fat ego around here, dont know to respect ppl's privacy, dont know to be concerned to the ppl around and so on.... anyway thanks for the conlusions...it is not going to stop me from what i am...

About personal blogging, might be or surely I dont know the meaning of it, i am really a kid in the block, but am as inqisitvie as a kid to know everything that i can in this world, so i am here roaming around in this world and meet ppl like you n other gal n many others...to know this world, it is not my case study but it is my life that is roaming around here...

I would be online n you can chat with me on this or email, you will be always welcomed, provided if you would like.... and dont worry i would not ping you or email you to trespass the privacy you want....

and lastly...how is your health..hope it is good shape by now...take care...

thaks once again for making me write my first biggest email and sending.... ;-)

if this is my last conversation...just in case...I would tell all the best for your future and the path you are going to travel....take care

enjoy....;-)



als urs

MuthuKumar R









How did you feel?

Life bits

It is been really long, I dint know how these many days passed away and still it feels like it was just yesterday I did my last post... irony of life and mind. from the time i posted my last post there had been nearly everything moving around in faster pace around me and am just watching them sitting in the middle...
Lot of bitter experiences ofcourse.... got the lengthiest mail in life and replied with the length hitting my records, simple things in life is turning complex coz of simple small words, that is life for me, had some good travels in the mean time but it had qoutient of me loosing my bag with my wallet, dresses, rayban, everything and anything possible which were my precious travel and life assets, that was creamed with my new phone falling into the falls and was immersed for nearly 15 mins... pity... after 3 days of drying it works fine with some crystal clear pictures, but the exterior speakers are not working, which makes it nearly useless as a phone, i have to have it in vibration mode and carry it in my hand if i should not miss calls, but often i miss it, financial i am becoming bankrupt, some +ve things are, my ttravel was good with some bad health, office there is no work as usual so no difference, got holidays for Diwali, so going back to home, I will regain my energy with mom's food, but (there is always buts in my line it never ends...;-)) i have 3 days travel plan out of my 4.5 days of stay at home, which means i might eat my mom's food ly 1ce or twice:-( but still will get it packed while i return back...;-)
Other than that, today actually i was over confident and asusual it was crashed down to pieces which will nearly be unable to paste, so no overconfidents, trying to cheer me up for the disaster, when things are good I tell to my self that be happy but(again but ;-)) you must be similarly happy when it turns out  out to be a loss on your side, but (another one) I am not able to make it up to that extent, but still it is OK to an extent, where I am trying to pull me out by writing this, so MuthuKumar will not let himself go down, when there is fast up you also will have fast down, but dont worry you can make the way out, just go with your head high... and also low to see what is down or you might fall stepping on a stone, treat ups and downs as normal day acts and come lets live the life muthu....

With a +ve note lookinng up and down for the next minute...

2 mins blog

I exactly have 2 mins... so it is going to be like a timer kept on for the bomb to blast.....;-) i have a meeting in another 2 mins, within that i shud type this blog.... frm last blog am not able to complete even one blog... i have started many but everything is still pending.... here one of my collague is disturbing and not letting me type, so many mistakes and trying to correct it....
im thing.... my c 510 is giving good stills... i might upload soon in flickr....
i got wet in rain like muthu the nxt day of the last blog... very good experience...
i am in confusion whether i met ...
here they come
so bye

Thoughts to blog

I want to write blogs abt different things, from the  moment i woke up and came out to see it was raining in the morning, i found it was raining from night, but provided the depth of my sleep, i will never know even if thunder would have struck at my house, family habit;-), so basically i dint know that also until one of my colleague told it, i came out to see how chill it was, that is when one of the blue hut struck my attention, there where actually many but from the place where i was standing, ly one was in my view, i gues it mus be accomadating atleast 5-6 people, what would be their though process, i wanted to write in my guilty section but, contrary to that something else happened just an hour ago when i was attending a meeting, they where talking about Business cotinuity plan,BCP, according to that whatever happens, work should be going on, what for? for the future people, for someone's vision goal; last evening i was discussing to one of my friend that my collegemates where to do P.hd nxt year, and see how we are not even thinking what to do next minute n just living the life, he replied telling that people slog their asses with academics and stuffs to get into some big company to just make one peron rich, his vision come true, y dont they do it for themselves?, that conv strikes me now, so individuals are here as per Darwin's theory, but where does the diference of fittest comes here? if everyone are born with equality where did the difference starts? i guess might be everyone where equal, until the first handicapped was born into this world, he was lower to others, that s how superirity r inferiority complex starts, even then how did the seed of lower they foun? i dont want to give any athesit thoughts n am not here to attack god or any supernatural power that might be existent, just am thinking these things n abt my inability to understand or find what is the truth, what is the benefit anyway? will i be able to change if i know the formula of this world? maybe atleast i wont think abt these stuffs, anyway like my office quality plan, there must be a BCP always, but then life will be just business and the smartest n fittest suvives leaving others finally into more of.... like akikurachova's Dream, a movie, it will be hell soon, so anyone need not fear that they ll go to hell after death atleast.....anyway this topic is not going to end... so nxt thing i wanted to blog...
rain, it was really that good that i wanted to get drenched but, ofice hours, extended, you see its already 11+ hours since i have entered ofice, i wud like to get drenched, the saddest part is, this rainy season i dint get drenched, shud do that first....but dont kno when...surely it will be soon given my brave heart...;-)
then i wanted to blog abt my 1 year travel, it was just when i was speaking with my sis i found out that i have travelled this year like a travveller, not a real one, after upoloading my photos in flickr i found it, i mssd 1 trips pic in it, ll add it later....so maybe i ll write abt this travel sometime soon...
i am fixing an interview, if it works then i am going to question like a real reporter to put my guest into embarassment, but knowing the temper levels, i must be very careful n not act like arjun;-) let me see that...
mahashivarathiri, this word i used today, so small thing abt it, if you are awake for that whole night with your backbone erect, you will get energy for the next whole year, i dont know how far it is true, this shivarathiri i mssd at ISHA, so just stayed awake asusual seeing movies, some good ones n 1 dumb one, dont kno if that energy is ly pushing me fw....time up, nxt blog

Flickr - ready....

My flickr profile is kind of ready... i have uploaded my photos in them.... if some of u get a chance to visit it, give ur comments if any in the link.... shud add some tags for sum photos...ll do when i get time... for this ly i have spent nearly 2 days, that is my weekend...but it luks in a shape now... so nw...go visit it...

Link: http://www.flickr.com/photos/3rdiimages-mk/

Sony ericsson c510

Here goes muthu...joining the midrange phone club...not elite ones yet ;-)...i never liked having those high version of phones to use... but now losing my 3rd phone in 2 years hyd life, i thouhgt i ll go for a bigger one, not because i fancy them, but i just wanted one so that i cant take some photos wherever i go...that was the main reason.... so here i am with one in hand... never thought i ll own a phone of this kind..i feel strange...i never want to have it... i was happy with my 1100's and 1112 phones, those black & white simple model phones where good, perfect to my need, but this one luks odd in my hand... dont know how long i ll have it... but sure ll take many photos with it..that is for sure no matter what happens, that is the main purpose of it right? to get this phone i had hell a lot of dilemmas....but finallly i did it, just want to give a try for this also...gave it... hope i ll get chance to add my photos here.... let me see... it is too late...shud sleep....

Sunrise after rains

Past week fully it was raining, it was nearly that sun was not even seen for past week, cloudy, cool, damp, breezing low light days where one good thinks with drizzles continuing and ocassional downpours, preserving waters at all possible holes,gr8, isnt it, and this morning all of a sudden there comes out sun, as if he was bathed and clean, pure bliss, just ray striking at the wet damp places, showing the bathed earth in a totally new view, i went breathless, even the slightest dust was glowing in this sun, shit, my camera is empty, i dont have any thing to capture this nature, moment, this where i badly want a mobile with a camera, so i can preserve it fr days, but now it is not the time to crib, i was not even angry for not having anything to capture it, my eyes wher more than enough, behind the lenses, they were totally in luv, sure...it was a grace, a small girl running behind a hen, light glittering all over her...nature you are the best, and am sorry for destroying you and will continue it, i have to stop it, but that will not even make a 0.0001% of change, but still i will try to preserve this as much as possible for my future generations, but one day i know this will completely be destroyed my race, and it will be a hell...i dont know how or whe, but that is not far away... this will happen and that is when many scientists and leaders will think about it... but am not going to think about it now..it is in my hand but not... i am enjoying this moment...thats it....

Blogs...what to 'n' what not to??!!

"

A blog (a contraction of the term "weblog") is a type of website, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video.
"
----courtsey:Wikipedia...

First let me tell why i got this idea, as The Reader, i keep roaming into this blogworld for something which keep my glued to this stupid screen, that is how i met my first unknown blogger and am close to finish that history, as i dint want to overdose and found it addictive with that bloggers writing, i wanted to give some space for my mind to roam aroud, that is how i found another interesting blogger...went through some blogs and posted comments. This morning i went to the same blog to read something new, to my surprise it was not found. I retyped the URL, checked it ten times and still it dint work, later i came to know it was made personal, feeling that more personal stuff was in it...

So here I am thinking what to 'n' what not to blog... discussing with my mind... any discussion must have two teams or sides, so i have to create my split personality to discuss on this topic... let me discuss it with myself...

me: blog is just a place to write our thoughts, to be clear, random thoguts, we can write anything and everything we want, it can be like a personal diary, but open for everyone to read...

myself: when you mean it is a personal diary y shud others read abt me?

me: then what is the point in u writing in it?

myself: it is just for me to read in future, so i can know abt the things i have done, n can gain some +ve energy from the things i have crossed, -ve things i have overcome, happy times, etc... it is like a place where i can know myself...

me: here u come like a selfish human... when u can gain something out of it, y cant someone in somepart of this world gain something out of it... they may smile, laugh, cry, be happy, be confident, get energy to face this world, many things may/might happen...

myself: yes u r right.. but those are my personal self, y shud others know abt me?

me: maybe, y shudnt they know abt u?

myself: coz, it is myself, and my life, my encounters, my secrets, my embarassaments, my failures, my winnings, my all...

me: you can better tell it as 'your negative stuffs'. stuffs which if people come to know will think low abt you or think -ve abt u or whatever... worrying for others might something, whicxh might hurt your ego, am i right...

myself: hmm... you can call it, but that should be only for me

me: here you go again, y shud u have ly for urself, the feel of possession, feel of getting embarassed, feel of getting bullied by your fellow persons make you not to share it here... am i right? but why must you worry? if there some one to gain then there will be someone to crib also... everything that is positive has negative in its other side...north pole has southpole... thats is the basic rule of nature...

myself: maybe you are right, but still i feel it might not be that way...

me: yes, change, that is the key word for everything in this world, we feel like hell to come out of our shell, to risk everything that is in our hand, but when you do it, it would be the best that you will get. you know what will happen if you dont, but have you tried it to see what happens...no..

myself: y shud i risk everything for someone i dont even know or will not even know.

me: what is the purpose if you are not able to even read this infuture? what if you write this for 2-3 yeasrs and die somehow, what will happen to this? shouldnt there be someting towards which everything is going in this meaningless life... in life we dont know why we do all this..just to die... do you want even this to be the same way?

myself: you are trying to convince me, you are not thinking the other part of it, do you want me to right abt my broken luv, my evil deeds, my sexual affairs, my thoughts, my embarassments, my unfit lifestyle, my cribbings, my anger, my actions which were.... everything?

me: as i told you can restrain or not, that is your wish, but if you are able to do it for yourself you can do it for others also, i am not here to force you and tell that what u must n what u must not wirte, but just think what will happen because of writing n what will not... noone can force anyone to do anything, but it is your wish/decision to do or not...

myself: right, so finaly this ends with it is my own wish to do it or not

me: rightfully, so even this ocnversation is ended meaningless as our life would, what is the purpose? nothing. then why all these things? dont know... hahaha...gr8 life.... so lets live it happily...

so that is the disuccsion... for now my splits must be combined :-)

Week of hell n heaven

Last week continuing into this week is being hell and heaven....i saw many best part of me and my life and also the worst parts of me and my life...how this life takes u turn in seconds, i was very very happy and in seconds became gloomy,sad,vexed,hatred,angry....i was happy in few moments i became afraid, unaware... why, all of a sudden why hell should turn to me, why things mess up, i touch a thing and it becomes wonderful piece of...y...should write this one week and record it...but now i am not in that mood...so let me see when it is coming out...

First anniversary of my Anti-Climax

I typed this yesterday and forgot to post it....
Happy first anniversary....
Funny...isnt it...?celebrating my failure, my anti climax,my 12 year dream's doomsday... you know what, i also had a reminder in my lost mobile for this but, my mind had other plans, it gave me one great dream of my life exactly at the eve of this anniversary, one dream, short lived, early in the morning, i thought my life is really taken a great u turn,fantastic, but i woke up to find it was only a dream:-(...i dont pity myself for being in this situation, coz whatever happens, happens for a reason and the reason is always unknown till we feel it or recognize it,which is what we must have had at that time rightly.I still have hopes for the impossible, do you believe that, still!, after one year of this anniversary, stupidity, you call it whatever you want i like this feel of hope, so i am not going to shed it off, but this thing confuses me with many of the things that i have to do now..but noways of leaving this, forgetting this...i dont know if i was close enough but i know atleast that i was there to know it...
today while i was playing snake in my phone my both the thumb fingers were paining, it is been long since my thumbs had pained coz of using the phone keypads...it reminded me of this day...i have written lot about this but dint publish to anyone or anywhere, it is safely with me, very safely...i should reveal it but when, how, should i...questions that i have answers from my side, but dont know if this world is going to accept it, never, never will it accept to my theories, but how then, how else it can be told, how else my wish will be known...may be i am forgotten...may be am lost in the fight of the life, but i remeber everything...each moment...preciously, but what use it is going to survive if it is not remebered...it would be good if know somethings while we are confusion only, but life doesnt makes things that easy to know and solve...it will take its own sweet time, until that wait to know it....
now anniversary celebrations alone....

Today... day of blogging

I wanted to blog about many a things in the past one week, but never did it, reasons can be given as many, but what purpose will it serve, nothing. so let me try to dig my memory to write all that i thought i must blog.... so today will be blogging day,let me say....
I had a very bad last week, i was removed from one of my main application, which was the only thing that was interesting, had a bad time with an unknown girl, fights with my roommates, bad business, improper muthu's life, not able to do what i want to do, these things all made it more horrible. I thought i will take this place as my let out place, so i can tell all you unkonwn people that i am having a bad week, but never was able to do in daily basis. I completed watching newyork, luck, love aaj kal movie in the last weekend. Luck was one episode in axn's fear factor with indian masala added, stupid movie. newyork was a very good line of movie, but the director could have worked more on the screenplay and could have also done more research on the topic. the important things were not highlighted, so it also became a normal movie. the director was driven by emotions not by brains, i director cant afford that mistake, it is matter of integrity in a movie, with this big banner and star casting, he could have easily impacted people with many good things, instead of justifying some things....anyway it is my thought. love aaj kal, pakka entertainer, masala movie, but with brains. technically script was not going uniform, it had bumps, all of a sudden incidences taking grip over the movie and leaving it down. editing, could have been much better. other than that, movie had many good scenes, good sense of humour at places, good comparison with the old age and the present age, stripping of the mordern age people with less stability or no stability because of the wide options in front of them. morality was broken, that is good sign, but for what is important. here director tells his definition of luv and views. for just a movie,it is watchable once. i watched newyork and love aaj kal without my specs, so possible out of focus might have had happened;-)...srry for the delayed info.
my hair and beard is creating attraction wherever i go, which is awkward.peolpe are ready to donate money for my saloon charges. they want me to have a knot, but it wll take some more days. i got my broken specs done, i have joined the rayban club, but the sunglasses are turned into powered ones, so i can ly tell that i am rayban frame club;-)it was a search for more then 4 months and now it is ended. me, my hair, my mbear and my rayban....pakka don getup. may be i will release my don part 2 soon....;-)

This week I am obsessed with this optimism disease. I am thinking or expecting for the impossible to happen. Again and again I am being pulled into the whirl wind, trying to use my brain instead of my heart, but it is challenged by reasons, I don’t have answers, even though I knew the answers. I want it but not want to spoil anything, but it can’t be done that way. I am trying to reason myself for the act I want to perform. I want to know what is that I need, why is my brain not able to focus on one thing atleast, it is desiring for everything that is literally impossible. If I decide and go towards the impossible during execution I find that I am a coward, I am feared to do it, feared thinking about the future, past experiences, my luck every other thing… shit… how will I make my brain think. I don’t know, from where do people learn to think, how do they know what must be done next, how come they are sure that what they desire want is correct, what will be the extent to which they will go for their things to come true, why does my desires turn out to be awkward and out of the crowd, why do I fail in my desire all time, why do I lose interest in everything after sometime, this is one fear that makes me not to approach towards my impossible, thinking what if I lose interest over it after sometime, then I will surely worry for it, so what is that I am trying to do or going towards…. Answers I know but don’t know if they are correct. Whom should I ask if it is correct, are they the correct person to ask it, how far they can help me in really if am not open to the comments from outside in such matters, hell…. Why the hell am living here? What purpose do all this confusions serve? What am I going to get out of these things? Death. Then why…why…why all these things, so much troubles… shit….truth..lie…morality…illegal…god…devil…love..marriage…best…worst…failure…winner…loser…business…employment….studies….exams…birth…life..shit..death….shit…again the same repetition. Again, who defines it, are they definitions correct? Oh my god, I am becoming mental I guess, see if I myself think that thinking like this is mentality, what will others do… when will this world will be understanding that this life is purposeless..why do they want to add purpose into every new born and trying to make them a failure…oh my muthu…I am in search…search of what….nothing…yes I am in search of nothing.. I want to be nothing… I want to become nothing…I should find a way.. I will become…sure…but when???ly muthu knows. Don’t ask me….
I think this blog is not edited properly, but this is how it is flowing into my head….it comes, goes, then again comes back to haunt me…my thoughts… I want to be free of these stupid things but not able to…
my friend called me, I picked up the call, immediately he told I will call you later, then cut the call…:-))) there was no link ly.
what else did i think i want to put here...hmm....
memories are lost....maybe if i get remebered, will post it ....now going to continue with the reading...

Funny after breakfast

One small incident, just 30 mins back, made me laugh and think the huge difference where i am in. first incident, then my toughts....
I went eat my breakfast at office cafeteria, ordered it, ate it, then wen to wash my hand, I washed my hand, corrected my hair and was looking at the mirror....what the hell is funny in this....?pls wait... it is the next few seconds that made me laugh.... I was looking at a guy with hair that is grown but not long enough to make a pony tail ;-), 2 and a half month unshaven beard, which he was trying to set in proper shape. it was by this time i noticed another guy with full formal and tie, properly cut & combed gelled hair, full shaven, was standing near our former guy and washing his hand. the former one saw the latter one..... the latter saw the former one.... former smiled and came back to write a blog....
now my thought, where the hell am i living at, what the hell am doing, why the hell should be doing it,nothing...BLANK...i know it but dont know it...I know it is quite simple to overcome it but also impossible to be out of it....but i have to be out... how is that possible?i want to know what that latter guy must be thinking, he saw the former like an alien, it was funny... if you dint understand the fun part then it must be felt... sorry

Ssshhhhhhh..... Still am reading....

I did set up a deadline for myself to complete my reading by 31st of july but in vain. Lagging.... my laziness, my broken specs, some stupid problems, and irregular work times has spoiled it all... Still few months to be read, may be half a year is there... so deadline is shifted to end of this month, as i have some trips planned, i may not get good amount time to sit read it, but still i have to, as there is hell a lot of things that i must know, it keeps me sit past my laziness that is what i am not able to complete it, if i complete it then, i have to wait for one blog, once in a blue moon;-)
why leave it when it is there, so ly i dont blame if am reading very slow,
anyway let me read, i have things to blog also... so no time.. in this busy schedule...;-)

naaN saD

adiyeE... unnaI theduM muyarchiL naaN ippO saD... orE thappU thappA nadakuthU ellaM...
unnaI paarpenA? maatennA? therlA? buT thedaL nikkA povadhillA...irukarathA vittutU parakarathA pidikarathA ellarum solrangA, therlA...annA naaN unnaI thedanuM...paarkanuM...pesanuM...pazhganuM...paravasapadanuM...mookthiperanuM...
ithukugagA naaN ennA vennA seyveN... ippA koodA oru semA matteR aayiuduchU...paaproM engA thaaN neE ennaI azhyikiraI endrU....

A walk over my guilt

Guilty
5:37am I wake up to see the time. 5 mins more for my alarm to do it s duty, dutifully. Will it hurt me if am to wake up 5 mins early, but the warmth of my bed is not ready to leave me, fine, done is done, let it ring….
6:02 am the alarm is still ringing I snooze it and calculate my possibility of getting ready to office, sleeping again,
6:32am calculating again what if I go by auto? But tomo I shud go by auto so no but sleeping again after setting snooze to my alarm.
6:42am again alarms duty time, but I still in dilemma, worried that I wasted 1 hour sleeping, exactly that I get a call, call from my cab driver, Told him that I will be there in 5 mins, got out of bed, brushed, switched on the tv, washed my face, decided to not bath as no time, got ready…
6:55am, call from driver again, telling that am on the way, wore my shoe, combed hair, checked if I have taken every items that I have to, id card, wallet, handkerchief, applied oil n searched for my comb, my pocket comb, shit this is my 4th comb in 2 months and am not able to find it again, this last one I bought just last night n placed in my shelf but not able to find it, hell, I knew I kept it there ly , everything is there but my comb is not there…. still searching, one of my bigger comb which I lost I got but this one I dint have any clue, no time… still searching, managed to convince me tat for one day I can take a big comb, that too not mine…
6:58am left home, have to walk some 100-200 mts to reach my cab, this part of my journey was what staying in my mind from morning and made me write this one, on this way I had this day’s first guilt and life’s repeated guilt. I have to cross a small slum type of housing board (I call it!) in this walk, houses with blue tarpaulin, blue as blue from last nights rain, to accommodate more than its capacity, total area would be max 40-50 sq foot, accommodating atleast 4 adults n 4 children, no flooring, it was raining all the night, I know how cold it was in the night inside my blanket, shit… I am still walking, crossing it, as if I have seen nothing, &*&^, what a (*& me, but what else can I do my cab is waiting, what the hell am I doing?, I have to reach there, my brain was thinking many different things but legs crossing the blues, a baby coming out of the blue, yesterday one of my manager sent a mail telling that his daughter got first prize in drawing competition, the y’s which if I ask ll be branded as a communist y’s, but that is a basic need, I am not able to ignore it… but walking still.. got into my cab….
Thus my thoughts started rolling… this has been rolling for days but what the ____ use it is of?dont know I wish it becomes something what I want it to but who knows if I ll also be one washed into this optimism disease …
The day is not what I am deciding, I am just been pulled into everything . when am I going to pull my day the way I wish. Shit….

Shhhhh......I am reading

Jun 25..
Writing blogs (occasionally. frequently is not possible because I get engaged with my laziness) which noone reads...still you keep reading your own writings...keep improving...keep adding...thinking what to write next and trying to pen it against all your laziness(what lot of courage!!!), you can figure it to be hard, but, not that hard, I guess so atleast, when you are having a passion to do it, still passion needs energy n enthusiasm, one of my own way of boosting up my spirit is- I go in random search of blogs, with interesting characters, moods, way of life, thinking and interesting preferably and who all thinks life is beautiful mainly I try to read blogs who share my interest and thoughts, who are more like me or more than me, learning-a continuous process, it had been. Don’t trust me but still try to atleast know how it feels to know there are really lots n lots of people around in this world like you and will give you different views n energy….
This morning I went around in same way with no other work to do (as in my last post.it is not last, it is last before as the meeting post got preference before I completed this), found one interesting character or writing (writing explains their character, I think, so let me settle with the word character) and no doubt it was a gal too, so adds spiciness, no flirting muthu, yes, point taken, so yes, there was this character, I don’t know if I can use her name, so let me call her as hmmm… some xyz…not some xyz.. just xyz.. ok? This just xyz(;-) oh my god muthu, stop it, her name is: xyz.ok?ok) is senior to me in this blog world, she had been writing from the time when I would not have even heard of the word called ‘blog’ in my part of world, it was a complete alien subject to me, so reading all her 311 posts in one go was not possible with her beautiful mother tongue n our national language occupying a portion, which I am poor or terrible at.
So I started with this month’s post first then found it to be interesting as she was retiring from that part of the blogging world, I think got her reason, but might have rightly got it, but still, one thing was clear is, she was packing her bags from that part to travel to other parts of the world, even the traces of people with interesting so called character, which I found interesting, then read her first blogs and came from past towards present. I crossed 3 years in less than 2 hours( with blogs of language foreign to me, including my own national language, not included). She wrote, topics I had in my mind which I really wanted to know what others think about it, y, will it be my way?, and there it was in my way, the topics I wished, put up for discussion and people like to me to know later.
Sorry for the late question, did I tell why I am writing this blog? No. then how will you know it? oh my muthu! oh my muthu! How did you miss that part? Ok here it goes
Reason:Living these many years on this world, after meeting many people, especially female part of my species, is it true that I have not met or come across many/litle so called interesting characters with different outset of mind, where there is more than bangles, sarees, salwars, sandals, nail polish, makeup kit, cribbing, crying, n what not, aren’t there anyone that I have met in these many years who had been outstanding from the crowd, in the way they think? The answer is a disappointing no but not a complete no as some have had bit morethan that, but that were only bits and pieces, nothing in a shape or nothing with a quest to know/explore, I have tried to induce in them and became a philosopher to them not only to them but also to my fellow beings as a whole, when I tell something it becomes philosophy to them, for example, other day my friend asked what is love, I told ‘it is just a word, every language has a words to express the thoughts in our mind but imagine how you can translate everything into words which people understand? is it possible, as far as I know are experienced it can’t be, for me everything that a language has is a word not more than that, it just your mind which gives life to that word, for someone love is divine, for some it is romance, for some it is only sex, for some it remains boring, it is all how you define it and feel it, how your hand prints are unique, similarly your thoughts about each emotion are unique, you might have a pattern or little matches but not completely same that is the reason there had been quarrels, wars n fights on all topics even after we have all sorts of languages in this world’ there I become philoshper this way telling there is no meaning at all for anything and the real meaning will end within you. That is the real reason, that I was impressed with the way this blog was shaped, but who knows, maybe, this xyz might also have the above mentioned things in mind, but as of assumptions, with just the writings in front of me were a person’s thought has taken shape she should be of the kind I have told,or I would like to keep my meaning to this as this and no imposing it on anyone. I was not able to comment for all her posts in one go and also dint want to fill her blog with my comments, so decided to write in my space, as it is my experience, my quest to know people of my genre and found yet another person.
Time to work….
June 26,
..contdI read some more part of the year 2008 and found xyz likes travel, and yet another reason to get interested to read. Have you ever imagined smaller things in life gives more pleasure than the the big ones which people tell, like getting a half bitten coffebite from ur sis/bro, one small peck from infants by their own will when u don’t expect, grandfather getting a small dairymilk without fail each time he goes out, just to know there are people with same interests, and some parts of gossips too ;-), these are small moments that make up our life beautiful, one such thing is travel, it gives you a million ideas in mind, and shows you other peoples with same millions filled and most of the millions narrow down to a blank space. When talking about public transport in her blog I came across a statistic, which tells 70% of people use public transport in India and the rest 30% people occupy 60% of the traffic and cause the pollution, demand for fuel, n hike in fuel prices which is affordable for them and finally my 70% gets the penalty for it.(too much statistics hey na?)
‘society’s sake’ what the hell people mean by this. She questioned it. I liked it. I don’t know am getting more interest to converse with this person who is eating my time with her thoughts, this is not flirting, sure, isn’t it?, yes yes, this eagerness to know more, when you are limited, but you know the answer for my wish already, it is all destiny, if am destined, I ll have a chance to converse, if not just be happy that I had an yet another my kind genre person whom I was not destined to converse with.
Polygamy, chasing sequences at ration shop, durga pooja prasadams, lonliness amidst crowd, faith, sleepless nights, best firend n story behind it, crush… likewise the list goes. I am reading them, there is lot to read, so let me stop this here, I dint of writing a blog of this shape while I started writing, but the ending is this, everything starts way and wants to end in a way but never ends the way it wanted while it started, I am also a prey for it.
Hudafus to my fellow blogger. Thanks for giving some small happiness.
Its time to work… atleast today shud do my work ok? Bye……

offical Meeting & blogging(try to multi task)

how will it be to write a blog while your are attending a client meeting in office? this was what that striked me while I am attending this meeting, so to feel it now i am writing this blog.what to write? who cares what I write, it is just that i want to write doing multitasking in this meeting to find my efficiancy. what if i find my efficiancy is poor?nothing.,it will not mean anything . I know that atleast.
'..what?...contact person will give the feed back...ya... thats correct..'
oh shit I am not that efficient I guess. missing lines of ASM. my teammate is not telling what they are talking about me. what the hell shud I reply without knowing why they are talking about me? shit....this is stupidity....
'..it is just that you are taking data like that itself to enter it from the tool...oh..ya..ya'
so I dint reply.good. escaped for this time.this application I support is very interesting one, it deals with hell a lot of data that are critical and it is one application which cannot survive without problems...1 min
'...muttukumar is handling it...the implementaion date must be changed...it may take longer...'
yes they have changed my name into muttukumar here.that is the reason he is calling me like that:-( but what can just a 't' instead of 'h' do to me? lots formally, personally nothing.
'...muttukumar is handling this also...'1 min again...
'...this will be implemented before the new rollout....it is done parallele with the pririty one job...'
usually I play snake in my phone in meetings or sleep. this meeting is really good, live blogging, new concept. EOD it is that i dont listen in any meetings ;-).it is not a big crime, until i can handle things in smoother way.isnt it?
ya, bak to tell abt this application,it has great future, it touches most of all the fields data management is reqquired in one or the other way, research is were it plays big role especially.there are very few experts when compared to the requirement and future projections, but still I dont want to specialize in it or excel in it to become a pro.that is the true reason I am like this, it can be done, but no heart to purse it, y to? when ur heart is not here.
'...muttukumar is handling it..wwhat is the status...'
'..ya..i recieved a mail..change is still neede...waiting for the mail from business...once i get i will work on it...'
what are they talking about. i am completely lost. but answering with some correlations to maintain that i am attending the meeting and know completely what they are talking baout.noclue is not the point how i maintain is the point...
'''bye everyone...have good day..'
'...bye all...'
yes the meeting is oover n my blog shud get over her coz in another 10 mins i must catch my cab for which i have to walk half a kilometer.

so bye.
have goodnight.;-)

Vett(r)i endru oru vazhkai...

Here I am sitting just like that, not without any work, but feeling not to work, why? There is no connection to my client network, which, inturn means I can’t work for the client. Is it really true that I can’t work with no connection? No, hmm… yes,partially no. I can do many work, so that my manager will be happy, inturn, his manager, inturn, many other managers, finally my client last but not least my employer. I can make these many people happy, just by filling some excels and words, how simple ways to make people happy and also people sad! but will I be happy? No, it is a goddamn NO. Then why do it? Just for others? what us? when you are not happy? Isn’t it right? Yes, one affirmative answer finally, the question should be in such a way you get affirmative answer, isn’t it?
Side by side I am playing circle the cat, good game you can try, the link is, http://www3.telus.net/public/a7a55952/games.htm. There are many games here. Play circle the cat, this is the first of all the games that I have started to play in this link.
Isn’t it nice to feel that you are playing during your office hours, eventhough there are lots of work, that too critical, which will make you shine, no need, why to do, why to shine, this is good. Isn’t it? Yes...yes yes… I know a female who would be more than happy to tell these yes’s maybe more than yes’s one big laugh which would…..,sorry no romance here, strictly within us, if by chance she reads this, which ofcourse she might not do which I know for sure, till hopes is what makes me mention it, she will be surely knowing it can’t be anyone other than me to do such thing. Hi to her alone…. Oh am sorry, I dint even greet you people from the beginning of this, that too writing after soooo looooong, I must not be pardoned but still it can be done. HI, this one is for you all and not for her.
What am I writing here? Why did I start this, where? Oh my god oh my god I am just writing. That makes me feel good. I am talking to the virtuals. With only one reader who knows are cares to read this, as of now, but sure there is time to come during which there will be people to read and think, till then… never mind I will keep writing something or the other.
Now actually I feel like writing about my guzarish. So bye. Let me dream now….

75 days past new year

It is 75th day of the year, and me, irresponsible as usual, telling a 'hello' so late, wishing you all ' happy new year' at inappropriate and irrelevant time, if it is for the next year it is too early and if it is for this year it is useless; but this cant stop me from wishing you all ' happy new year' and first 'good morning' of the year.

what made me so late? what was occupying my mind and time? what was i going through? are these all worth thinking? dont know... but am enjoying them as usual, useless, reckless, purposeless.... haan! purpose... the word to start the year with, which i had been torturing for years now...

how do u define purpose?.... it is just a word, but people addd content to it as they like, like anyother words in the dictionary, but what is that i had in my mind about purpose?purposelessness. life never has a purpose as a whole when you see at high level, at low level? ofcourse, no purpose there also, but, we, the people, cannot live wihtout purpose, we try to find it, fight to understand it, struggle to achieve and die without really knowing if we had done it or really understood it...

me, here, sitting without any purpose by heart, but defined by the purpose of the people around me, knowing what to do exactly, but not doing it or not knowing where to start? all these days i dint know what I want , when i knew it am not able to stand to fight it, coward. everything starts with a dot, i know it, but afraid to implement it, what might happen? what will be the action and reaction? what will be the cause and effect? what will be the do's and dont's? i know but i dont know. what i know is not what i should be knowing, what i dont know is what i must know to get there where i want to be, how is the that? bingo..... million dollar question. if everyone knows the answer for this then everyone are serene, but people are at 660+ crore stages towards this, everyone are at their own stage of search. when are all going to meet? dont know, may be i know, never! but that cant be true, cause of my hope.

Telling a late hello and confusing people, what a way is this? but how else can this be? now to all a great new year, 75 days old year, but still new every day, so Have a great morning.